It’s not that I want to be bombed, I’d like it to be post-war by a few years, and would like a few things on the shelves when I go shopping.

I’ve been regularly frequenting ebay looking for 40s and 50s dresses, and it would be a whole lot easier for me to find them if it actually was the 40s.  I’ve also been watching a lot of Foyles War, and I want to be like Samantha. I’m determined to say ‘jolly’ and ‘gosh’ a lot, and speak better in general.

Due to the lack of dresses to buy at anything near an affordable price, I’ve been considering making one. However, I’m not that good at following patterns. It could well turn out to be a huge waste of both fabric, the pattern, and my sanity.  The actual cutting out and putting together should be fine, but I’m scared of buttonholes and inserting zips.

I’ve found this one without buttons-

Bu then that does seem rather like wussing-out (plus I’d feel the need to make a lot of pies if I wore that dress), when I’d rather have-

The one with sleeves appeals more, and I’d make it in an awesome floral fabric and wear a net petticoat to make the skirt even fuller. And I’d wear it to work, even if it was totally over the top for a day at the council.

I’ve just been playing with Google images, looking at ‘broken teeth’ (the sight of which actually does things to my lower back, bad things.

Then,  ‘diseased penis’, ‘tango tan’, ‘testicle injury’ and ‘fat person stuck in chair.’  All of which are totally suitable for Valentine’s Day.  See, we didn’t  have the internet when I was a kid, so I never go to look at this stuff.

On a positive note, during my internet related time wasting, I did find this-

And was also reminded of this awesome picture.  As someone who runs, this worries me greatly. It could happen to any of us.  The man deserves a medal for keeping going.  He is a hero.

Also, I want this. If I had the body for a bikini, it would be this zombie one-

Now I’m gonna go knit me a handbag and watch Biggest Loser.  I have been looking for a new handbag as mine broke (due to my insistence of carrying my whole world around me with me, just in case war breaks out whilst I’m a work) but I can’t find one I like, so I’m going to knit one. I’m always concerned that things I make myself will at best,  fall apart, at worst, look like I’m using something made by a small child just to be charitable to them, when really, that small child is me.

For days at work, I shall wear ‘WWJMD?’ (What would John McClane Do?), which will mean anyone who crosses me shall be dealt with Die Hard style.

And as much as I would like Tibet to be free, having those worlds in multi coloured plastic around my wrist won’t make it happen. But if I wish to offend someone, ‘You smell like poo’ or ‘Your child is a brat’ might indirectly do the trick.

In general though, I’m thinking along the lines of motivation. ‘Eat salad’, ‘Colons love fibre’, ‘Stop spending money’ and such.

I’m very suggestible. I see food on TV and I want it. This goes for both healthy and junk food. If I read a book about a 18th century explorer, I want to get on a boat and do my best to dodge scurvy. So I’m thinking pretty plastic beads are all I need to totally stick to every resolution I ever make.

Well, he wouldn’t know, as this particular afro-toting pimp will probably spend his life hidden in a drawer under a pile of socks.

It seems a little odd to buy sex toys off Amazon, where this particular fella comes from. And I’m not sure what the dealy is with the eyes.

In unrelated zombie news, I was running along in the dark at 6am this morning, and I suddenly realised I was a little scared. It was because I was thinking about zombies, and things were moving amongst the trees (probably not zombies, just deer, or axe murderers).

Although, if I were to be attacked after having already run several miles, would I have the energy to get away? I suppose fear would drive me on, but it’s worth thinking about. I still want this fella though, also from Amazon.

He doesn’t make much sense to me. He appears to be holding a huge chicken drumstick/battered fish and shovel. Is he planning to bury it? A real zombie would eat it, and it would be the likes of me that needed the shovel to smash his head in with.

Bikes?

Escort services?

Boots?

Holidays in Amsterdam?

Nope, flatulence filtering underwear.

I may be the last person to hear about this invention, as it appears these are increasingly popular.

According to www.shreddiesgifts.com, this underwear -

‘ features a special activated carbon back panel that absorbs flatulence odours. Due to its highly porous nature, the odour vapours become trapped and neutralised by the cloth, which is then reactivated by simply washing the garment.

Activated carbon cloth is used in chemical warfare suits which demonstrates just how effective it is at removing vapours. When it was originally invented, the carbon cloth was a heavy, non flexible woven material, but due to a recent innovation this activated carbon cloth is now a lot thinner and far more flexible, making it ideal for use in the new generation of chemical warfare suits and garments such as our underwear.’

They go on to say-

‘The efficacy of the underwear is more dependant on fit than anything else. As long as the carbon back panel is held snugly to the body over the buttocks and under the gusset, flatulence will pass through the panel and be completely filtered. If the underwear are too large they are less effective as flatulence can escape in certain body positions’

They say nothing about the sound, though. That would be really impressive, noise AND smell proof.

So it appears there are worse things your mother can buy you than yukky green tea. Suggesting that a person’s farts have to be dealt with in the same way as chemical warfare isn’t exactly polite.

This year they gave me-

-2 packets of green tea (yuk, my brother likes it, not me, wrong child, mother.)

-A stripey velvet scarf not suitable for anyone under 60 (also yuk)

This all sounds very ungrateful and I’m sure there’s lots of people who got nothing at all, and I must add there was a tenner taped to one of the packets of tea, but damn, good thing I didn’t have to open those presents in front of them.

So, as no one else in the family does presents at all, apart from a Muppet pencil case from my vomit encrusted child, my belief that people shouldn’t bother with presents unless they’re going to put some thought into it, is very much re-affirmed.

So, I spent most of the day periodically emptying the puke bucket, eating, and watching non-stop telly, and it’s the first time in ages I’ve done bugger all. In fact, I never do bugger all unless I’m ill myself, so it was quite good really.

I then found this on the internet, which I feel is so wrong, it should in fact, be illegal.

And I must say, it doesn’t look comfy.

I also found this-

It’s a solar powered vibrator.

I feel this would be useless with our weather, and would entail a lot of masturbating by bare windows or indeed, outside. It’s a tad cold to be doing that, and there could well be the same situation one finds with mobile phones and loss of signal, which would see the user wandering about, arm aloft, trying to catch rays.

And if I’m going to be given a scary scarf, this toilet paper one would at least be interesting.

So here, in Top Of The Pops countdown stylee, are my favourite-

10.  ‘All kinds of sex toys’ (because it’s from the Philippines, language Zulu, wa-hay!)

9. ‘Camouflage vibrator’ (mainly from UK, very popular search, seems we want to lose our sex toys in bushes, pun not intended)

8. ‘Stripping through med school’ (Egypt, and not a good idea there, tbh)

7. ‘Hard penises’ (USA, anyone would think I’m running a porn site)

6. ‘Very very very big vibrators” (US, careful there, gal.)

5. ‘Google lady boobs’ (UK, and I’m guessing, a 7 year old. No one else would put Google into Google. Then again, maybe an 87 year old.)

4. ‘Mermaid sex’ (Mainly US, very popular search, seems a lot of people are wondering…)

3. ‘Bum sex toy’ (From Germany, and to the point)

2. ‘DIY butt plug’ (Australia, and really, just look about the house, can’t be that difficult to find something suitable).

1. ‘Peanuses+fannis’ (UK, and again, I’m guessing a kid that can’t spell, but I like it as it reminds me of Snoopy.)

In zombie related news, I have come across these kits to make and paint your own zombie action figures. They do look pretty awesome, however, I can’t be bothered and would be worried I’d mess it up and then they’d be a waste of money, so I’d just like to buy them ready made, thanks all the same.

If you need two hands, there’s this mutated thing. I’m not sure why you would. Frankly I’m a big believer in one way traffic.

I would very much like to get this dress this year, especially as it comes with a free Christmas bikini (don’t know about you, but December is the time of year when I lament my lack of bikinis). However, although I usually love this season, I’m totally not ready for Christmas this year, and would very much like to nod off about now and wake up on January 7th. I have only put up half a tree (the top half, just the bottom would look a bit weird) so it’s about 3ft and secured into a little pot with a pair of knitting needles and some garden wire.  It actually looks quite sweet, and it’s half-status matches my half arsed-ness. If the hand came in black and white stripes, I’d buy it just to shake it at people like a big humbug fist.

So, my next project is going to be some kind of safe, or disguising unit, in which to keep things, but which is also easily accessible, as I’m not about to start hiding stuff under floorboards.

I am reminded of those toilet roll covers of my childhood, as it seems to people 20 years ago, the sight of a spare toilet roll on view was too much to take and it had to be hidden. I think I might make something similar, but which also looks like a complete item in itself, so she won’t go prying, so maybe a teddy bear with a secret compartment.

It seems a lot of effort to go to just in the event of my death, but I really would rest easier.

If you remember the Craigslist related blog of knobs, Desperately Seeking Something, there’s a new page load on there. The first one is particularly offensive, it seems to be threatening me, and there’s even one with a face, bless!

If you like your penises made of plastic, this scary creation form TSX is for you.

Quite frankly, a octopus shaped knob is a minus point for me when it comes to men, but the fact this comes in a myriad of colours, does make it rather tempting…..