The Nerdy Mermaid

Lameness.

February 14, 2012

I’m feeling lame. Bored. I could so easily up sticks and join the French Foreign Legion. Or join some commune, and spend my days bra-less and playing a tambourine. I’ve just been playing with Google images, looking at ‘broken teeth’ (the sight of which actually does things to my lower back, bad things. Then, ‘diseased penis’, ‘tango tan’, ‘testicle injury’ and ‘fat person stuck in chair.’ All of which are totally suitable for Valentine’s Day. See, we didn’t have the internet when I was a kid, so I never go to look at this stuff. On a positive note, during my internet related time wasting, I did find this- And was also reminded of this awesome picture. As someone who runs, this worries me greatly. It could happen to any of us. The man deserves a medal for keeping going. He is a hero. Also, I want this. If I had the body for a bikini, it would be this zombie one- Now I’m gonna go knit me a handbag and watch Biggest Loser. I have been looking for a new handbag as mine broke (due to my insistence of carrying...

Hypnotic Beads.

January 25, 2012

By Nerdymermaid

I’m waiting for some alphabet beads to arrive. I have decided to inspire myself and protest the injustices of the world though the use of an elastic wristband. For days at work, I shall wear ‘WWJMD?’ (What would John McClane Do?), which will mean anyone who crosses me shall be dealt with Die Hard style. And as much as I would like Tibet to be free, having those worlds in multi coloured plastic around my wrist won’t make it happen. But if I wish to offend someone, ‘You smell like poo’ or ‘Your child is a brat’ might indirectly do the trick. In general though, I’m thinking along the lines of motivation. ‘Eat salad’, ‘Colons love fibre’, ‘Stop spending money’ and such. I’m very suggestible. I see food on TV and I want it. This goes for both healthy and junk food. If I read a book about a 18th century explorer, I want to get on a boat and do my best to dodge scurvy. So I’m thinking pretty plastic beads are all I need to totally stick to every resolution I ever make.

Hey There, Huggy Bear.

January 19, 2012

By Nerdymermaid

What’s the word on the street? Well, he wouldn’t know, as this particular afro-toting pimp will probably spend his life hidden in a drawer under a pile of socks. It seems a little odd to buy sex toys off Amazon, where this particular fella comes from. And I’m not sure what the dealy is with the eyes. In unrelated zombie news, I was running along in the dark at 6am this morning, and I suddenly realised I was a little scared. It was because I was thinking about zombies, and things were moving amongst the trees (probably not zombies, just deer, or axe murderers). Although, if I were to be attacked after having already run several miles, would I have the energy to get away? I suppose fear would drive me on, but it’s worth thinking about. I still want this fella though, also from Amazon. He doesn’t make much sense to me. He appears to be holding a huge chicken drumstick/battered fish and shovel. Is he planning to bury it? A real zombie would eat it, and it would be the likes of me that needed the shovel to smash his head in with.

Farty Pants.

January 3, 2012

By Nerdymermaid

What do we think this picture is advertising? Bikes? Escort services? Boots? Holidays in Amsterdam? Nope, flatulence filtering underwear. I may be the last person to hear about this invention, as it appears these are increasingly popular. According to www.shreddiesgifts.com, this underwear - ‘ features a special activated carbon back panel that absorbs flatulence odours. Due to its highly porous nature, the odour vapours become trapped and neutralised by the cloth, which is then reactivated by simply washing the garment. Activated carbon cloth is used in chemical warfare suits which demonstrates just how effective it is at removing vapours. When it was originally invented, the carbon cloth was a heavy, non flexible woven material, but due to a recent innovation this activated carbon cloth is now a lot thinner and far more flexible, making it ideal for use in the new generation of chemical warfare suits and garments such as our underwear.’ They go on to say- ‘The efficacy of the underwear is more dependant on fit than anything else. As long as the carbon back panel is held snugly to the body over the buttocks and under the gusset, flatulence will pass through the panel...

Sodding Christmas.

December 25, 2011

By Nerdymermaid

In spite of a house that smells like vomit (courtesy of my child, who has now spent 24 hours with her head in a bucket) and the fact that my parents reached new lows of gift giving, it’s been an alright day. This year they gave me- -2 packets of green tea (yuk, my brother likes it, not me, wrong child, mother.) -A stripey velvet scarf not suitable for anyone under 60 (also yuk) This all sounds very ungrateful and I’m sure there’s lots of people who got nothing at all, and I must add there was a tenner taped to one of the packets of tea, but damn, good thing I didn’t have to open those presents in front of them. So, as no one else in the family does presents at all, apart from a Muppet pencil case from my vomit encrusted child, my belief that people shouldn’t bother with presents unless they’re going to put some thought into it, is very much re-affirmed. So, I spent most of the day periodically emptying the puke bucket, eating, and watching non-stop telly, and it’s the first time in ages I’ve done bugger all. In fact, I never do...

Dirty People!

December 18, 2011

By Nerdymermaid

I’ve been looking at the search terms that have directed people to my site (ie. what people put into Google that ends up sending them my way). So here, in Top Of The Pops countdown stylee, are my favourite- 10. ‘All kinds of sex toys’ (because it’s from the Philippines, language Zulu, wa-hay!) 9. ‘Camouflage vibrator’ (mainly from UK, very popular search, seems we want to lose our sex toys in bushes, pun not intended) 8. ‘Stripping through med school’ (Egypt, and not a good idea there, tbh) 7. ‘Hard penises’ (USA, anyone would think I’m running a porn site) 6. ‘Very very very big vibrators” (US, careful there, gal.) 5. ‘Google lady boobs’ (UK, and I’m guessing, a 7 year old. No one else would put Google into Google. Then again, maybe an 87 year old.) 4. ‘Mermaid sex’ (Mainly US, very popular search, seems a lot of people are wondering…) 3. ‘Bum sex toy’ (From Germany, and to the point) 2. ‘DIY butt plug’ (Australia, and really, just look about the house, can’t be that difficult to find something suitable). 1. ‘Peanuses+fannis’ (UK, and again, I’m guessing a kid that can’t spell, but I like...

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Lameness.

Hypnotic Beads.

Hey There, Huggy Bear.

Farty Pants.

Sodding Christmas.

Dirty People!

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